I cannot believe this season is over. It feels like there have been four rose ceremonies, total, and I feel robbed of the experience of hometown dates. Will someone explain to me why they all met in Utah? Does Kaitlyn only get one exit visa a year? Anyways, on to the actual FINAL EPISODE. We meet Kaitlyn and her family in a beautiful, oceanside Luxury American Express Black Card Airbnb that would be an excellent second version of Valtrex Manor. Kaitlyn tells her family that she had sex with both Nick and WRG and I…is this a normal thing? I would rather have my teeth pulled “The Americans” style than tell either of my parents anything about my sex life. Like, isn’t the assumption that two consenting adults are doing the nasty? Why must you tell your parents? ICK.
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Looking back on this season, I’m regretting the fact that I didn’t have some sort of drinking game prepared. I mean, it would’ve been based purely around the word “intimate” as a catch-all for everything that goes on below the neck between two consenting adults. I’d have renal failure by now for sure, but it would’ve been quite the ride. In any case, we pick up where we left off last week, with Walmart Ryan Gosling confronting Nick, the “dirt” that collects between your toes when you wear flip flops while walking through any downtown area in the middle of the summer. Nick brings up the “eskimo brothers” story again and I have some real questions about the producers of this show—Kaitlyn is forced to say “intimate” instead of “sex,” we cannot see tampons inserted on a dummy, but Nick is allowed to repeatedly say something I am absolutely terrified to look up on Urban Dictionary.
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I stopped at Whole Foods on my way home from Happy Hour Monday night, and while I won’t say what exactly I purchased, the checker said “ooh, you’re having a little party.” I leaned in conspiratorially, glancing to my left to be sure that none of the gluten and reality TV eschewing Whole Foods shoppers could hear me say “I’m going home to watch The Bachelorette.”
“OMG!” she exclaimed, and then quickly clapped a hand over her mouth. We whispered theories about Kaitlyn and Nick and Walmart Ryan Gosling and it was a delicious break from my shameful solo viewing of this show. The checker said she’d have to wait until Tuesday night to watch, but would be following my meal plan (okay fine, pretzels, Theo Dark Chocolate, and Framboise Lambic beer) for viewing.
And so I rolled into this viewing on amazing high, geared up for the BIG REVEAL. We start this episode with Kaitlyn staring “pensively” outside the ruins of a castle as she contemplates revealing her secret. Kaitlyn and Ben go to a beautiful island and play hide and go seek in the ruins of another castle. They make out, Kaitlyn says it feels good and it feels right, blah blah blah when is the big reveal? Next, Kaitlyn and Ben H. (AKA Lesser Ben, #bringbackbenz) head off to a cozy nook to discuss their feelings and whether or not Ben is loveable. The dates this season have been decidedly boring and run of the mill—more romantic comedy set in Europe than Hunger Games Dating Show dares as in seasons past—I would very much love a Pinterest board of all the places Kaitlyn visited. During their heart to heart, Kaitlyn asks Ben if he is a virgin, then the scene cuts away to Walmart Ryan Gosling and Bargain Bin Josh Hartnett and then back to Kaitlyn again. Honestly, would they cast a man virgin on this show? A real virgin, not a born again virgin like Sean (admirable though it may be to reclaim your virginity, it does not make you an actual virgin).
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