The Bachelor: A Taste of Mexico Through Our Stomach

Screen Shot 2016-02-01 at 10.02.50 PM.pngIt’s trip time! Man, this season is flying by, and I can’t believe we’re already at the part of the season where they’re visiting whichever country’s tourism board paid them the most money to have one of its most populous cities temporarily ruined by the presence of this show. Mexico City seems…random, and as the ladies cruise through the city in what looks like a mini presidential motorcade, Olivia, Queen of the Secret Bunny Boiler Society, begins gabbing away about her connection with Boring Ben, and how their love language is secret.

No Makeup Makeup Look
I’m not sure what the male equivalent is, but every recent season of The Bachelor has featured one date that starts off with titular lead going into one of the holding pens/sleeping porches very, very early in the morning and waking up the woman who is going adventuring with him. Meaning, the ladies are sans makeup. Ben’s date, Amanda, “wakes up” with perfect hair and makeup while the other women boast retainers and bite guards and legitimate bedhead.

After Ben whisks Amanda away for a hot air balloon ride over Mayan temples (this date sounds like it was created using a set of refrigerator mad libs magnets), Olivia begins lobbing attacks about how Amanda is getting eliminated because she has kids.

After the hot air balloon ride, Amanda opens up to Ben, telling him about her divorce and why the relationship fell apart. And even though the story is so sad, I can’t get past the fact that her voice sounds like the Snapchat speed up filter feature. Like, that’s not her real actual voice, is it? Is this a thing dudes enjoy? Every season, there’s one girl like with a voice like this and I always imagine that off camera, in real life, the girl actually has the voice of a 75-year-old lifelong chainsmoker. In any case, Ben tells Amanda that she is wonderful and that it doesn’t make sense for someone like her to like him, and blah blah she receives the date rose.

Back to School
In the 2nd date to take place in a school setting this season, Ben takes the girls on a group date to learn Spanish. Black GI Jane gets upset about the lack of 1:1 attention, and in her talking head, she says, “does he even remember who I am?” Yes, yes he does. Because you’re the only black one and there’s a picture of you in the production office with a note that says, “keep until the hometown dates” beneath it. When she finally does get 1:1 time in the form of reciting some high school level statements en espanol to him, her insecurity comes out in the form of snippy remarks about how he’s been using the same line to all the girls (delivered correctly, that could have been a super cute and flirty line). After class, the girls head to a cooking school, where they divide into teams for a little culinary competition, and Olivia manages to get on Ben’s team. She feeds him chips Ben, I gotta warn you. Don’t eat anything Olivia gives to you, unless you’ve had someone taste test it first. Later, The Twin Who Reigned Supreme says that Olivia has horrible breath and the reason that Ben takes Olivia to a tasting station and asks for extra mint (as footage of this actually happen rolls in the background) to cover up her breath. Back in the kitchen, the women begin work on their dishes, and Jubilee sits in the corner, regretting her life choices and sipping ice water because she’s sensible.

During the competition/taste test, JoJo says, “I know my taco is delicious,” repeatedly, with a horrifying twinkle in her eye. She continues, “I know my taco is delicious, Ben has tasted my taco and he liked it, but it’s just a matter of if the chef likes it.” This show, you guys. This show. Jubilee and her partner make the winning dish, but Jubilee still seems unhappy.

Once a season, a girl comes a long who is sane and normal and rational and seems like maybe she was tricked into this whole process. Being grounded and also frustrated by competing for the affection of a man is a totally reasonable reaction, and Jubilee’s isn’t couched with a lot of hyperbolic language. I don’t know why she’s on this show at all. But this is all a long way of saying that Jubilee looks like a mean, terrible person when in actuality, she’s just someone without a personality disorder in a crazy situation. Can BET or Oxygen make her a dating show? Ben takes Jubilee aside and tells her that it’s hard to read her and that she rejects his attempts at affection. She counters by saying that he looks at the other girls differently. She says she needs him to tell her that he sees that something could be there, and he says that it would be unfair to say that there was something, and then HE SENDS HER HOME.

She lasted way longer than I thought she would have, because he not only clearly has a type, but he clearly has selected the final 4 and had done so early on. Jubilee sobs into the camera, saying she is the most unlovable girl in the world, and honey child, that’s not true. You deserve someone who will look at you the way Ben looks at Caila or Becca. Who will understand how to coax you from behind your wall, or who will patiently wait until you’re ready to reveal yourself on your own time. You don’t need to be with the most boring Bachelor, ever. And you are lovable. After Ben sends Jubilee home in the van of shame, he goes back to the women and tells them what happened, and literally mid sentence, Jojo interrupts him and asks if they can talk. If he was actually as torn up as he claims and if she was genuinely worried about him, the way to make him feel better is not to stop him from speaking. And, to the horror of all the women, Ben gives the group date rose to…Olivia.

Blue Steel
Dressed in a pair of denim shorts that I’ll assume one of her kindergarten students lent her for the occasion of her appearance on The Bachelor, Lauren H. gets her first 1:1 date with Ben. They stop at a cute boutique, try on some clothes, and then the adorable fashion designer/owner invites them to Mexico City Fashion Week, and then once they’re on-site, invites Lauren H. and Ben to walk in a fashion show. During the date, Lauren H. reveals that she was in a serious, long-term relationship and was dumped out of the blue, and found out that her ex had been cheating on her with three different people, including a friend. She talks about her struggle, and learning to open up again, and Ben almost looks totally interested, but still distant and like he’s thinking of Olivia’s Great White Shark-like grin or Caila’s beautiful hair, or how much Becca looks like Stacy from The Babysitter’s Club movie. Still, he gives her a rose, and she moves into the “on the cusp” spot recently vacated by Jubilee.

Rose Ceremony
While the women tell Ben that they “like, like” him and, “like, see a future and like, marrying him,” Olivia tells Amanda that when she talks about her kids, she feels like she’s watching an episode of “Teen Mom.” Amanda, for her part, counters by saying, “I feel like I’m watching Snooki from ‘The Jersey Shore’ because you’re such a hot mess.” The Dominant Twin, sensing an opportunity (and apparently unaware that the role she is trying to fill as Classy Snitcher means she will be eliminated soon) summons up some tears and goes to Ben and says that Olivia is mean and crazy and fake. The producers hand Dominant Twin a phone and let her talk to Lesser Twin about the happenings in Valtrex Manor: South of the Border, while Olivia talks to Ben. Ben then takes Amanda off to the side and Amanda says she feels like she’s been targeted by Olivia. Ben assembles the women for the Rose Ceremony and then calls Olivia off to the side for a talk. Please, Bachelor Jesus, I can’t tell the other blonde women apart, and Boring Ben is so boring. Please, PLEASE keep Olivia. Please. PLEASE?! PLEASE.

What are your thoughts? Is Olivia done? Is there any point in me recapping if she is gone? Leave a comment below!



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