The Bachelor: If It Hasn’t Happened in 26 Years, I Doubt It’s Going to Happen in 6 Hours

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Okay, confession time. Last week, I was in Toronto and missed most of the episode because I couldn’t figure out which channel it was on (did you know we export this?). This week, I fell asleep during The Bachelor last night. And by “during,” I mean I had the brilliant idea to lay in my bed in total darkness, under the covers, at like 7:30. And so, I fell asleep. Also: my DVR did not record the episode, so I’m watching this episode on Hulu at 5:30 in the morning, because I love all 10 of you who read these recaps and I want to provide you with entertainment.

Do you know what’s really difficult? Having a Word .doc in full-screen mode and trying to discern the different voices while The Bachelor plays in the background—everyone except Olivia has a case of Kardashian vocal fry.

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The Bachelorette: You Gotta Go With Your Gut

Dressed in one of Miss Venezuela World’s cast offs from 1996, Kaitlyn confronts Brokeback Bachelor/Clint. Clint is the best actor this show has ever hired, he stares Kaitlyn dead in her eyes and tells her that no one in the house has a problem with him and that he has never said anything bad about any of the other dudes. Which is patently false. But Kaitlyn blinks slowly at him and sizes him up, and in perhaps the most intelligent move of any early stage Bachelor/Bachelorette, eliminates Clint. Typically, this move doesn’t come until they’re somewhere in a 2nd tier European country in some sort of beautiful lodge, and the contestant with Borderline Personality Disorder has misplaced their meds and gone off the rails.

Kaitlyn brings Clint back inside to say goodbye, and Clint’s BFF JJ turns on him, saying Clint owes everyone in the house an apology. For a split second, Clint looks legitimately crestfallen, and just as quickly as flickers of human emotion spark in his eye, they disappear. Next, we find JJ and Clint in a strangely yellow hallway, standing incredibly close to each other and lobbing insults through gritted teeth. And just as quickly as the flare up begins, it is over, with Clint complimenting JJ on his tie as he departs for the looser cruiser waiting in front of the Valtrex Manor.

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